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Mr. and Mrs. Granger of London were proud to say that they had a witch for a daughter.
Proud, that is, until their daughter, Hermione
wiped all trace of her existence from their memory.
Hermione was in the midst of a war
and she was trying to protect her parents
from the force she'd been fighting against for years:
The Patriarchy.
Now, bitches gonna die.
Six years earlier, Hermione first boarded the Hogwarts Express,
excited to make friends and finally be valued for her talents
rather than teased for being different.
Hello, I'm Hermione Granger.
Is that seat taken?
I'm Harry, Harry Potter. And sorry, this carriage is for boys only.
It was in that moment that Hermione first learned a valuable skill.
Throwing shade.
I've read all the rules. There's no such thing as a boys-only carriage.
Do you know who that is? That's Harry Potter.
The boy who lived.
It's funny you should say that
because I'm Hermione Granger.
The girl who gave literally zero fucks.
Her badass antics attracted the boys' attention.
You are fierce and independent.
That scares us.
Will you be in our gang please?
Despite their vaguely offensive ways,
Hermione sensed that Ron and Harry weren't so bad.
Over the course of the year, she saved them several times.
Without Hermione, the boy who lived would have been dead as shit.
Harry and Ron began to think of Hermione as a sister
and felt protective toward her.
But she didn't need their protection,
especially when Draco was involved.
Nice hoodie. It'd look even better on the floor of the Slytherin dorms.
What did you say to me?
Go on. Say that again.
It was a compliment, I swear! It was just a compliment.
Oh, yeah? Well, so is this!
Oh!
Twitter wasn't around in those days,
but if it was, she'd have just invented the BOSSWITCH hashtag.
Fourth year brought with it Bulgarian bombshell Viktor Krum.
He had asked Hermione to the dance
and the pair looked resplendent.
Ron was more than a little jealous and asked Hermione to dance,
but she didn't want to.
Why are you dressed like that if you don't want attention, eh?
Ron, you idiot!
How dare you? How fucking dare you?
I didn't dress like this for Viktor, or for you, or for anyone.
I dressed up for me, so I could feel good
And you ruined it.
Trying to repair the damage, Harry apologized on Ron's behalf.
Ron's a nice guy, not like Draco.
He didn't mean to hurt you.
That's the problem, Harry.
He did't think what he was saying was wrong.
And it's not just Ron and Draco I have to worry about.
Not all witches feel that way though, surely.
Yes, all witches.
All witches have had to put up with comments like that and worse.
But that's, that's impossible.
Herminoe was furious.
If she couldn't get Harry, her most reasonable
supportive male friend to understand, then she may as well give up.
But then, the dark wizard Voldemort returned.
Surprise, bitches!
And summoned his Death Eaters, including
Draco's dad to update him on their plan.
We're not oppressing all witches quite yet, my lord, but soon.
Harry couldn't believe his ears. He managed to escape,
but his world had changed forever.
It's real. You were right. I'm so sorry. Yes, all witches!
Hermione forgave Ron, realizing he, too, was a victim of The Patriarchy.
When you grow up in a culture
that allows wizards to speak to witches that way,
how are you supposed to know that it's wrong?
But do it again and I'll cut you.
The fight against The Patriarchy was beginning in earnest.
After months of wandering around forests, Hermione took charge.
Let's go fuck up their shit.
Sensing this might be her last night on Earth, Hermione kissed Ron.
She didn't have time to explain that this was not a binding contract,
guaranteeing a future of marriage and children.
Sometimes a kiss was just that.
Draco was still trying to make this all about him.
Witches get a free ride. It's wizards like me who suffer.
Where's my special treatment?
I deserve a kiss. It's misandry, I tell you!
Don't misinterpret your feelings of inadequacy
for the cultural, social, economic, and political oppression of an entire gender.
Draco didn't listen, so Hermione shut him down the best way she knew how:
She set that bitch on fire.
Outside, the battle of Hogwarts had begun.
Hermione broke the bad news to Harry
for the plan to work he'd have to die.
Harry Potter is dead.
Long live The Patriarchy.
But Hermione wasn't done yet.
Not so fast, cockface.
The girl who gave literally zero fucks, we meet at last.
You know I used to hate you, but now I pity you.
You don't hate witches, you hate yourself.
That's what this is really about.
Harry was alive the whole time.
So much privilege that boy,
even death gave him a pass.
Hermione had figured out the source of Voldemort's power, his snake.
She'd given Neville the most important job,
because good leadership is about good delegation
And he arrived right on the schedule,
cutting the head off Voldemort's snake.
Just the tip, really.
With his snake dismembered, Voldemort crumbled away to nothing
and took his archaic notions of gender roles with him.
Does this mean The Patriarchy is over?
Unfortunately, no.
Their figure head is gone, yes, but the fight will continue.
We need to weed out and destroy sexism in all its forms.
Hermione did just that.
She dedicated her life to wiping out sexism
in both the magic and muggle world.
All was well.
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【哈利波特特別版】如果妙麗是主角的話,劇情會怎麼走?(If Hermione Were The Main Character In Harry Potter)

177821 分類 收藏
陳怡平 發佈於 2017 年 8 月 8 日   陳怡平 翻譯   Harvey Pan 審核

影片簡介

大家都看過哈利波特吧?妙麗跟榮恩一直都算是哈利的跟班或是幫手,但是有沒有想過如果妙麗是主角的話,電影會長怎樣呢?一起來看看這部搞笑影片吧!

1throw shade 0:43
throw shade 是美國非常非常口語的用法,意思類似於「告訴某人你才是老大」、「對某人擺架子」、「講某人垃圾話」。
"How does Amy even keep any friends? All she did at the party last night was throw shade at people."
「Amy 到底怎麼還會有朋友啊?她昨天在派對上就只是一直對人擺架子而已。」


2badass 0:57
badass 指的是一個人很屌、很有個性、很酷、很有自己的想法、不被潮流帶著走等等。
Her badass antics attracted the boys' attention.
她那些滑稽卻又很有個性的行為吸引了男孩們的注意。

He doesn't care how others think about him. He's badass.
他不管別人怎麼看他。他超屌的。


*同場加映:
超激動迎新演說!美大學資優生狂人爆紅 Georgia Tech - Freshman Convocation - Epic Welcome Speech


3hashtag 1:44
hashtag 應該是大家很熟悉的東西吧?在社群網路上只要在沒有空格的一段文字前面放上井字號,那個字串就變成一個「類別」,只要人們把他們的 po 文裡面加上同樣的 hashtag 字串,使用者只要搜尋那個字串就可以找到所有相關的貼文,例如只要在 Twitter 上面搜尋 #worldcup2014 就可以看到所有有放上這串 hashtag 的貼文。
Stop putting hashtags whenever you post something! It's annoying!
不要每次 po 文都加上一堆 hashtags 好嗎?真的很煩耶!


*同場加映:
【艾倫秀】#每天都要Instagram一下才夠潮 (#InstagramEveryDay)


4on someone's behalf2:14
on/in someone's behalf 或是 on behalf of someone 指的是「幫別人、代表某人做某事」或是「做對某人有利的某件事」。
Joan was speaking on behalf of the entire staff.
Joan 代表全體員工發言。

Peter apologized to Elizabeth on Frank's behalf.
Peter 幫 Frank 向 Elizabeth 道歉。


看完這次的主編精選,有沒有發現影片的梗呢?其實整部影片是把現實生活中的艾瑪華森當成了電影中的妙麗,然後再把妙麗當成哈利波特電影的主角,所以影片裡的妙麗才會努力的一直捍衛女權!

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  1. UrbanDictionary 俚語字典整合查詢。一般字典查詢不到你滿意的解譯,不妨使用「俚語字典」,或許會讓你有滿意的答案喔