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One of the strangest things
about relationships is that we're not free to
feel attracted to just anyone
We tend to have very strong psychological types
that we can't deviate from
All of us carry inside us very specific
inner shopping lists
defining what the people we can love
need to be like as characters
You might think these shopping lists would be focused
around lovely requirements like that
our potential lovers would need to be
kind, understanding, friendly and
from our age and social group
But the shopping lists are in fact
often a lot weirder and darker
We may end up neglecting all sorts of
potential candidates dismissing them as
boring or yucky
or somehow just wrong
and heading straight to people
whose characteristics are pretty awkward
and not conducive to our happiness
for example
we may only be able to fall in love
with people who are much less clever
or responsible than we are
or who are really unreliable, who are selfish, and self-absorbed
or sarcastic and mean
it can be very puzzling to those around us
and to ourselves
why on earth can't we settle down
with people who are good for us
That's because, what we're looking for in love
isn't necessarily someone who is nice,
pure, and simple
but someone who feels familiar
and a lot of us learnt about love
in childhood at the hands of people
who were in a variety of ways
trouble for us
and who continue unconsciously to guide our love types
our earliest caregivers
give us templates of what it is to love and be loved
which can cause havoc with our chances of happiness
the trickiness in our love types tends to go
in one of three ways
Let's imagine dad was cold or violent or abusive
or mum was belittling unavailable or controlling
it was horrible
yet that ends up being what we look for in love
why would we ever repeat something that was
deeply uncomfortable?
well, because even though it was horrible,
it was still a love relationship
there was abuse but also let's imagine a degree of
familiarity, admiration, attachment,
and even tenderness
they may have been belittling
but it's what we got used to
and now
however illogical it sounds
it doesn't quite feel right
unless it's kind of awful
as well it's not nice as such but it feels
comfortingly compellingly familiar
or imagine we experienced firsthand
what it was like to be made to feel terrible
to be humiliated and hurt
and then weirdly we may end up doing
the same thing to someone else
humiliating them in turn
bossing them about, going cold on them
just when they're vulnerable to us
it's as if a primitive part of us
thinks that the only way not to be abused
is to be the abuser
deep inside, the childlike, emotional self
thinks the person who did that thing to me
was in a way the opposite of me
and that must be the place of safety
and that's who I want to be in a new relationship
When parents cause us trouble we're often so keen to get away from it
we develop blocks around all kinds of character traits
they may have had
which might actually have been good
and actually unrelated to the
troublesome traits
so for example,
a father might have been belittling but highly intelligent
now regrettably
anyone intelligent can seem hugely offputting
or we always felt our mother was somehow revolted by sexuality ours especially
but she was really warm and cuddly
now sadly, anyone who's warm and cuddly
is imagined to be punitive around sex
and hence feels wrong and has to be rejected
our inner love maps are really hard to tease out
they certainly don't spell themselves out
so we have to make efforts
to find out what they're dictating
so as to free ourselves from their demands
The investigation starts as always by trying to understand ourselves
What did I suffer from at the hands of my early caregivers
Am I finding myself drawn to that
in adults I fancy
Am I causing troubles for people in ways
I might have suffered from when I was young
and am I put off certain people
because they have traits I associate with people
who caused me difficulties as a child?
Might I in other people find the traits I like
without the ones I fear
emotional health means expanding on
the number of people we're free to fall in love with
We learn about love in childhood
but we liberate ourselves from the
traumas of childhood when we realize we can love in different ways
and get used to something that may
at first be eerily and challenging unfamiliar
being happy with someone who is properly
and deeply good for us
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從心理學角度看:我們到底會愛上誰呢? (Who We Can Love)

88490 分類 收藏
Coco Hsu 發佈於 2016 年 6 月 28 日   Coco Hsu 翻譯   Dan Waugh 審核

影片簡介

不知道有沒有很多 VoiceTubers 跟小編一樣很好奇,我們到底為什麼會愛上一個人呢?今天的主編精選帶大家從心理學的角度來探討這個神祕的問題!

1settle down1:03
settle down 在這邊是「成家過安定的生活」的意思,也就是「安頓下來」。
At the age of thirty, Jessica wants to settle down.
三十歲的潔西卡希望能夠安頓下來了。


settle down 也有其他的意思,包含「坐穩、安下心來」等等。
Hey guys, it's time to settle down. Class is starting.
嗨大家趕快坐好,課程要開始囉。

With a cup of tea in her hand, she settled down in front of her desk, ready to work.
手上拿著一杯茶,她已在書桌前靜下心來準備工作。


settle 這個動詞本身則有「安頓、確定、解決(問題)」等多種意思。
It took Sarah a long time to settle her child into nursery.
莎拉花了很長的時間才成功將小孩安頓進托兒所。

I've settled that I'll reject the offer and look for a better job.
我決定放棄這個工作機會再繼續找更好的工作。

This conflict between the two groups has finally been settled.
兩個組別之間的衝突終於被解決了。


2at the hands of1:17
at the hands of 是「出自...之手」的意思。
The baby received great care at the hands of its adopter.
寶寶在領養者下受到良好的照顧。

Henry died at the hands of his own brother in the chaos.
亨利在混亂中死於自己親哥哥之手。


英文中有非常多跟 hand(手)相關的片語噢!小編精選幾個給大家:

first hand 第一手的、直接的
The reporter was thrilled when he got some first hand news.
記者得到第一手消息時非常興奮。


at hand 在手邊
You should finish the job at hand first.
你應該先做完手邊的工作。


change hands 轉手
This cursed doll changed hands several times until it finally got sealed in a glass case.
這隻被詛咒的娃娃被轉手數次直到它被封印在一個玻璃箱裡。


have one's hands full 手頭工作很忙
I might not be able to help you right away. I have my hands full at the moment.
我可能無法馬上幫你。我現在手頭工作很忙。


*同場加映:
你需要學會的人生課題:自我疼惜,善待自己 (Self Compassion)


3boss someone about2:32
boss someone about 是「指使、使喚(別人)」的意思。boss someone around 也是相同意思的用法。boss 這個字當名詞使用時是「老闆、上司、領袖」的意思,在記 boss about / around 這個用法時可以想成「像老闆一樣使喚別人」噢!
Vincent likes to boss Sam about as if Sam is his personal assistant.
文森喜歡使喚山姆,好像山姆是他的私人助理一樣。

Stop bossing Tom around! He's just too nice to say no.
不要再使喚湯姆了!他只是人太好無法拒絕你。


4off-putting3:18
off-putting 這個形容詞是「令人厭惡的、倒胃口」的意思。
His constant stream of complaints makes him off-putting.
他無止盡的抱怨讓他令人厭惡。

The foul smell of the food makes it really off-putting.
這個食物發出的臭味十分的讓人倒胃口。


在這邊也補充一下,put off 這個用法有「遲延、使反感、勸阻」等意思。
Because of the heavy rain, the football game is put off until tomorrow.
因為大雨,橄欖球賽延到明天。

Don't be put off by Tom's appearance. He's actually really nice and a diligent person.
不要被湯姆的外表感到反感。他其實是一個人很好又很認真的人。

Jordan is trying to put me off the idea of going to the party.
喬登試著要讓我打消去派對的念頭。


5eerily4:27
eerily 這個副詞代表的是「怪異地、恐怖地」。
Our school is eerily quiet tonight.
今天晚上的學校怪異地安靜。


小編在這裡補充一些跟 eerily 有相似意思的副詞!

bizarrely 奇形怪狀地、怪誕地
Everyone at the office is bizarrely quiet today.
辦公室裡的大家今天都特別地安靜。


mysteriously 神祕地、詭譎地
The woman in the video mysteriously disappeared after walking into the forest.
影片中的婦人走進森林後就神祕地消失了。


creepily 令人毛骨悚然地
Sam's behavior is creepily strange. It sure looks like he's been possessed.
山姆的行為令人毛骨悚然地怪異。感覺他好像是被附身了一樣。


*同場加映:
有多凖?! 你有多了解自己呢? (How Well Do You Really Know Yourself?)


原來我們會被什麼樣的人吸引這樣看似簡單的問題背後其實有非常複雜的道理!小編覺得了解跟認同自己其實是最重要的,對自己有一定的了解也才能夠更容易找到適合自己相處、可以互相幫助跟學習的朋友或愛人!希望今天這篇蠻有哲學跟心理學性質的主編精選對大家有幫助!

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